My Life on the “G” List

OK, some might call this being bitchy…I call it being REALISTIC. This is for all people who go to movies across this country…and that’s A LOT of people. Time for a bit of Theater Etiquette 101. So here goes:

1. Shut the fuck up! When you go to a movie, there are many other people in the theater with you. The other people (myself included) did not, I repeat DID NOT come to hear YOU talk. We’re there to watch the movie. That’s what we paid for. When the lights go down and the previews start, that’s your cue to close your mouth. Not a suggestion. Thanks.

2. Turn off your god-damned cell phone! If you can’t exist for a couple of hours without the stupid appendage, that doesn’t say a whole lot about you as a person. And the sad, sorry overused “I’m expecting an important call” or “my mom is in the hospital and may die” is not going to work. If you’re expecting an important call or mom is in the hospital on death’s door, you probably shouldn’t be sitting your ass in a movie theater. If anything is that important, STAY HOME (or get to the ‘friggin hospital)! Geez!

3. Turn off your god-damned cell phone! This goes for text messaging as well. Same rules apply. There is nothing important enough to warrant you opening your fucking phone in a dark movie theater to play text hockey with your boyfriend, girlfriend, roommate, spouse, whatever. If you can’t exist for a couple of hours without texting someone, you’re pathetic. If texting is that important to you, STAY HOME!

4. Leave your brats at home! If you have small children who are obviously challenged and can’t keep their mouths shut, leave them the fuck at home! I did not pay to listen to screaming children or to watch little rugrats running up and down the aisles or in and out of the theater and then screaming and crying because you wouldn’t buy them that extra bag of sour patch kids. If you cannot control them at home, I guarantee you won’t be able to control them in a theater full of people. Stupidity LOVES an audience.

5. Don’t bring your infant to the movies! Movie theaters were not made for babies. Babies need love and attention and changed diapers and bottles and dark theaters are not conducive to that end. And I don’t care if junior is sleeping when you get there – chances are he or she will wake up at some point screaming for mommy’s nipple or because he or she has poo-poo in his or her diaper. I don’t care how desperately you think you need to see Harry Potter or Hairspray, get an ‘effin babysitter!

6. Keep your mouth closed when chewing. The sound of crunching popcorn and slurped drinks is annoying and unnecessary. You should have learned in early elementary school how to eat properly. Chomping is a horrible habit. Please refrain from it. This goes for gum as well. If you can’t keep your mouth closed, don’t eat. Thank you.

7. Don’t make a spectacle of yourself. Laughter is contagious, but not when you sound like a hyena. I realize that comedies are going to make us laugh – um, that’s kind of the point – but you can laugh without cackling like a witch, hooting incessantly, or otherwise bringing unnecessary attention to yourself. If you’re not Ellen DeGeneres or Whoopi Goldberg, chances are I don’t want to hear you be silly. The position of resident comedian has been filled. Thanks.

8. Get the fuck over yourself, you closed-minded, self-involved prick! This one is only for the few assholes in the world who mistake a movie theater for the Republican National Convention brought to you by the American Family Association (god, make me fucking vomit!). If you are an anti-gay, homophobic, racist pile of cow manure (as well as a waste of human DNA), do us all a favor and stay home. Oh, and shut the hole in your face. It should never move. A good solution is finding a tube of super-glue and using it on your lips as chap stick. It’s very effective.

9. Turn off your god-damned cell phone! I felt like this really needed to be reiterated one more time. Thanks.

So why am I on this tirade today? Well, it’s like this. I have seen more movies in the past week and a half than I usually see in an entire two to three month period. And in EVERY single movie someone has done something that I have mentioned above they should not do. I don’t know what it is. It must be a social disease. Personally, I would not have any problem – NONE – with movie theaters BANNING cell phones on the premises. Asking people to be considerate during previews doesn’t work. Consideration for others in not in most peoples’ vocabulary.

The first time I went to see “Hairspray” (only one of the best movies EVER!), there was a couple in front of me and my friend Kraig and his boyfriend Ryan. The woman would not get off her phone. Finally after being asked politely to put it away (several times), Ryan finally went and got an usher who put a stop to it. Of course, we were the assholes for having the audacity to get her in trouble for talking on her fucking phone!! Jesus and Pop-Tarts. I just don’t know.

Then I was at another movie where I was surrounded by teenage bimbos who would not shut up. They also wouldn’t put their phones away. They were texting every five minutes. It must be a miserable existence to have nothing better to do with your life than text like you’re the poster whore at a county fair. You really need to find something constructive to do with your life. Again, not a suggestion.

I went to see “Hairspray” again (yes, it’s THAT good) and this time was interrupted by a couple who brought with them 3 brats in training. These little terrors were the epitome of everything I despise about unruly children. And I really like kids. I have little adopted nieces and nephews running around all over the place. But they have parents who have brought them up well. That makes a big difference. Parents who still believe in disciplining their children and making them behave are my heroes. Those who don’t believe in it make me sick. And yet they wonder why they have no control over them. Sheesh!

Finally, I hate bigoted asswipes! Case in point. I remember going to see “Brokeback Mountain” when it was at the theaters. And believe me, people were stupid there with the snickering and “eww” comments and such. Well, I ran into another freak of nature when I saw “Hairspray” recently. There was a scene in which it looked like Wilbur Turnblad (Christopher Walken) was going to kiss his wife Edna (John Travolta). And he did – on the cheek. But some stupid whore behind me was going “don’t do it, don’t do it, oh my god.” Then her response was “thank god” when it was only a cheek kiss. She is the epitome of “stupidity on parade.”

I love technology as much as the next person, but for crying out loud, there is a time and place for everything. The same is true for talking and carrying on with friends. Dark movie theaters in which people have paid to SEE A MOVIE are not the places to converse with friends, text on your phone, bring screaming children and be an all-around idiot. A little common sense and courtesy is all that’s required. Thank you for your time and for listening.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled day already in progress.