My Life on the “G” List

Recently I’ve been making some slight changes in my eating habits. I say slight changes, because when you’re making a “lifestyle change” (I don’t believe in diets – diets are evil), you start slow and eventually arrive at the destination of Ex-Lax and water only. Oh sorry – that’s the Nicole Richie diet. My bad. I am doing the Slim-Fast plan now and it’s been a slow process getting into it, but I’m finding the joy now – or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I started the Slim-Fast plan because I was getting annoyed trying to do the “eat clean” diet that some of the ladies have taken up at my office. They run around the office spewing banter like, “oh this is so fabulous! I love eating clean! yum – I get my celery and carrot sticks and a cup of whole oats in five minutes – yay!” Mind you, they are slimming down, but I am getting annoyed with how they tell everyone else how crazy we are for eating “processed” food. In their eyes, anything touched by human hands is evil. If it’s processed, it’s full of fat, empty calories and bad energy. Really? OK. Thanks.

Let’s face it. I’m a boy on the go. I don’t have three hours to spend each evening slicing and dicing and boiling and blending lunches to have 6 or 7 carefully planned hundred-calorie meals each day. In the eat clean diet it’s all about organic, unprocessed, healthful foods and supplements like bee pollen, MSM, Spirulina, hemp and Omega 3’s. And for the record, where in the fuck am I supposed to find bison meat in Michigan? And what the hell is textured vegetable protein? Sounds yummy. Maybe I could cover it in chocolate syrup? I’m guessing no. Guess that also means the frozen pizza I had last night and the Wendy’s chicken nuggets from the night before are no good either. Well, like one of my co-workers said, there are clean eaters and there are, evidently, dirty eaters. Or as my friend Kate puts it, there are “filthy” eaters.

So why Slim-Fast? Because it’s easy and a no-brainer. I grab two shakes in the morning, some yogurt, an apple and a banana (and sometimes other choice fruits just to shake things up a bit) and off I go. I also have Slim-Fast snack bars in my desk at work. It’s balanced, it’s easy, and I eat five or six times a day. In the evenings, I do my best to make wise choices for dinner. Often times cravings get the best of me, but I often do OK with Lean Cuisine and Healthy Choice dinners. So give this boy some props for making the effort, bitches!

Why is it that those things that are so bad for us have to taste so damn good??! And I’m not just talking fast food here. My buddies often invite me out for dinner and we end up at places like The Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Outback Steakhouse, or maybe some Chinese buffet place. And believe me, I’m not complaining. I’m a foodie. I make no bones about it. But those buffet places are evil. All that food! It’s almost obscene. We’re not bears! (well, not THOSE kinds of bears!) We’re not hibernating. We don’t need to be eating “all we can eat.” We’re gonna be back tomorrow for the same amount of stuff! Geez oh petes! Are you even kidding me right now?!

So in my effort to become the seductive and sultry gay Paris Hilton I so long to be (just the slim and slender one – not the crazy ass one!), I am doing what I can to cut back on the stuff I know I shouldn’t have. I will not always win, but I will always put forth the best effort. That wasn’t the case yesterday, however, when I packed my Slim-Fast shakes and got my arm twisted to go to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch with some co-workers instead. Bastards. I’m seriously being sabbotaged, I just know it. LOL Not only that, but why is it every time I try and be a good boy, someone always tempts me to be bad?! Every day, inevitably, someone will bring something to work – candy, cookies, cake, a pie, rice krispy treats, cupcakes, you name it. Stop it already…don’t you know I’m fragile?

Anyways, for now the Slim-Fast thing is working and more often times than not, I manage to behave. Case in point: there are little milk chocolate candies in the dish outside my office (mockingly calling out to me) and I have managed to ignore them for the past two days. It’s progress. I am feeling more powerful every day. Kudos to me! Now why is it I want China Palace Hunan Chicken for lunch today??! Damn it all to hell! This fuckin’ sucks! My apple is mocking me and that banana is making me horny. Shit! Gonna have to eat that soon just to get rid of the sexual innuendo. Gotta love being a homo! Happy Friday, bitches, and welcome to the commencement of yet another fabulous, naughty weekend!