New Digs…
Hey kids. What’s shakin’? I know, I know. It’s been forever and a day since a new post. Since my last post, Madonna released a new CD, a new American Idol was crowned, Lindsey Lohan was in the news (again), Hillary Clinton finally buckled under the pressure of campaigning, and the list goes on. Well, I have been preoccupied with a lot of things and getting around to writing here just sort of took a back seat. So how the hell has everybody been? I sincerely hope you’ve all been loving life and scandalizing your respective corners of the world.
As for me, well, I have a new chapter about to begin in my life. At the tender, ripe age of 36, I am taking the plunge into total independence and self-sufficiency. For awhile now, I’ve been living with family just to help keep expenses down and so I could enjoy basking in the glow of having a disposable income. But there comes a time when every boy…especially a gay one…says “OK, it’s time.” My time has come to embrace full-fledged adulthood and…dare I say it…responsibility.
Now for those of you thinking I’ve never tried the independent life before, let me set the record straight. Tee-hee. I said straight…um yeah, I mean…let me set the record gayly forward. I have tried this a couple of other times, with roommates, but this is the first time doing it completely ALONE. I am both ecstatic and terrified. Living with family is nice, sure, because the expenses are low. But living with rules and expectations at the age of 29 36 is a bit much. Living alone has many benefits including freedom, no curfews, bringing someone home (if you’re into that sort of thing), etc. But it also brings with it a lot of new bills. Ugghhh…
I picked up the keys for my new apartment last week on Friday. I have yet to spend the night there. See, I am all about having new digs. What I am not about right now is having all the stuff to put in it. But I have learned a lesson through this adventure that is absolutely priceless. Friends…the ones who are real and genuine and sincere…never let you experience something alone. They are there for you…REALLY there for you. And when it comes to something like moving into a new apartment, they are ready and willing to help any way they can…and help they have. The friends I have are irreplaceable. Thanks to them, I have a queen size air mattress (shut up about the “queen size” reference, bitches! – lol) on loan until I get my bed, I have a couch, lamps for my living room, stuff for my kitchen and bathroom, and so on. My friends have gone above and beyond to make this transition a smooth one for me. And if it’s not a material good they’ve given, they have been there for me on an emotional level that is just as important and have given their time and support in other ways. I could not do this without a single one of them.
I’ve kind of been through hell and back recently due to a personal circumstance in my life and it’s taken an emotional toll on me. But again, my friends have surrounded me with love and support and encouragement at a time when I have most needed it. Without them, a simple task like just having the strength and courage to get out of bed in the morning would seem insurmountable. What some don’t know about me is that I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve. While this is not necessarily a BAD thing, it makes me very vulnerable to those who might want to take advantage of it. And some have. But I know that every experience in my life that is emotionally traumatic makes me appreciate the good experiences that much more. People are going to disappoint us, hurt us, use us, and toss us out like yesterday’s garbage from time to time. And for people like myself, who wear our hearts on our sleeves, we are treated this way because we allow ourselves to be…even if it’s on a more unconscious level.
I will discuss more about this in another post, but suffice it to say that if nothing else, having a new apartment has served to act as a wonderful diversion in my personal life. No matter what happens in life, you realize that it does continue to go on (life, that is) and that you are going to be fine…no matter what. Because even if we allow ourselves (albeit unconsciously) to be hurt and used, we also allow ourselves to consciously heal from the experience and move on. And of course, having friends helps a lot. They keep us laughing in the midst of tears, they keep us smiling in the face of adversity, and they remind us of the good things we have in life…and the good people.
So here I am…a man who is very much still a boy at heart. Someone who, as far as intimate, lasting relationships are concerned, has been dealt a lousy hand to this point. But I know that things change, and when I least expect it, the person who will complement me perfectly will find me. And on that note, let me just say that fate may already be hard at work in my favor in that department. Again, I will elaborate more on this in an upcoming post. For now, I’ll just let you stew about it for awhile…lol. I may not have a lot of material possessions for my new apartment, but I also know that I am not alone. And even though I may get a little scared and nervous (especially when the bills start to pile up), I know that my friends and family – and extended family – are there for me supporting and encouraging me as they always have…and always will.
I’m reminded of a story I read years ago about one of my favorite singers, Margaret Becker. In a devotional book that she authored, she spoke of her first experience living completely alone – and her first apartment. Everything she owned fit in the back of her Fiat. She had a blue furry rug, a few kitchen essentials and a little food – very little food. And though her friends and acquaintances thought she was insane, she knew that things would get better. She knew that although she didn’t have everything she needed right then and there, she would eventually get it. I can relate. I have much more than a blue furry rug and some kitchen essentials…and I am surrounded by wonderful people in my life who can relate to me and have made it clear that they are here to help me through this entire process.
Yes, I may very well be a work in progress, but I know who I am and I am proud of what I’m doing. And I am reminded that life is very much a JOURNEY…not a destination.
