My Life on the “G” List

Relationships are difficult. And sometimes, when they start to crumble, they can leave you feeling like you might never want to try again. And yet we do. After we have healed from a broken heart, we find the courage and the strength to somehow, some way move on and try again. And why? I mean, seriously – are we sadists? Why would we knowingly want to put ourselves in a position where we might be hurt again? What I have found from personal experience is that it’s because for however long a relationship might last, it feels good to be a part of someone else’s life.

I find it pretty incredible how strong the human heart is. Maybe I shouldn’t speak in general terms. Let me rephrase. I find it pretty incredible how strong MY human heart is. I have been hurt over and over again by people who enjoy taking advantage of a gullible, naive person like myself. I think it must be obvious to some people that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I admitted that fact freely and openly in my last post. I used to think I could hide it – but evidently, I cannot. And those who look to take advantage of people like me must see the signs when they meet me. If there’s one thing I wish I could change about myself, that would be it: that I could seem a bit more rigid – less naive – and less of a pushover.

It has never been my nature to be a mean person – and it never will be. I don’t argue well, because even when something is not my fault, I find myself trying to apologize for what I didn’t even do. And in the few relationships I’ve had, the end result is always the same five words: “it’s not you, it’s me” – or at least that’s what’s implied. If that’s the case, then why am I beating myself up all the time? If the other person is the one with the problem, why do I blame myself for the relationship falling apart? I think it’s because it’s human nature. I do what is natural when there’s a problem…I look at the man in the mirror to see where things went wrong. The guys I date however are just the opposite…they are always looking for someone else to blame because heaven forbid they ever take responsibility for themselves or look inwardly at their own shortcomings…or they finally do and by then it’s too late (hence, “it’s not you, it’s me”).

One of the other things I am trying to stop doing is molding myself to “fit” into the life of the other person. I used to think that’s what being in a relationship meant — that I had to work tirelessly to “become” the person my partner wanted me to be. What I know now is that a relationship is not about changing who you are so the person you’re dating will like you. It’s about both people “incorporating” the other into their lives. I would never expect the person I’m dating to change something about himself for me. He had a life before I came into it, and I have to respect that. But then why should I not expect the same of my partner? Why, in my mind, should it be OK for him to expect me to change? The answer, I’ve learned, is simple: it’s NOT OK, and if someone wants – no EXPECTS – me to change, I should be running the other direction as quickly as possible.

There are times that I wonder why I don’t just give up on having a relationship. I have so much to offer – so much love to give – and it just seems like the guys I meet have no appreciation for that. Instead, I allow myself to be used and hurt over and over again just so I can have a “significant other.” Where is the self-respect in that? Are we really so desperate as human beings that we would rather be with someone who makes us feel like dirt than be alone? I don’t really believe we do it consciously – it’s more of an unconscious thing. But is it any wonder people get depressed and need Prozac and Paxil?? For the record, I don’t use either one and I am not depressed. However, I could certainly understand if I were…

It never fails to amaze me that when I find myself at a loss for words in expressing my hurt and discontent following heartbreak, there is a song that says perfectly what I am feeling. A very good friend of mine recently shared a song with me when he found out I had been hurt, yet again, by someone I allowed myself to care about and fall in love with. This song became my therapy and it is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard (not to mention empowering and affirming). It was recorded by an artist I have come to love so much. Her name is Idina Menzel. The song speaks about being “brave” when life leaves you feeling anything but courageous. It actually talks about losing yourself in the midst of running after someone else. Believe me, I can relate.

In all of the chaos of getting a place of my own, I find myself a little on edge. It’s just something different that I will adjust to. This is my time. An opportunity to take a little time for myself and to get back to the place where I can appreciate the joy in the journey of life. It’s my turn to be brave…and to ignore adversity. I know that the right person for me is out there…and he is likely as frustrated with his past relationships as I am with mine. When the time is right, our paths will cross. In the meantime, it’s time to focus on ME. So why does that sound so selfish?? Ugh…

I love this song by Idina Menzel. I offer it here…both song and lyrics. I sincerely hope it touches you the same way it does me. It’s been very therapeutic…and inspiring to me. I hope it can be that for you as well.

BRAVE
As made popular by Idina Menzel

I don’t know just where I’m going
And tomorrow, it’s a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I’m not the same anymore
I’ve been running in your direction
For too long now
I’ve lost my own reflection
And I can’t look down
If you’re not there to catch me when I fall.

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it’s my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can’t see mine
When I feel as though you’re pushing me away
Well who’s to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can’t be sure if we’re hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it’s my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it’s the first day of the rest of my life
I can’t be afraid
Cause it’s my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid
But it’s my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it’s the first day of the rest of my life
I can’t be afraid
Cause it’s my turn to be brave