My Life on the “G” List

Someone once said that to write well, you should write what you know. Well, this is what I know. I’m 36 years old and I’ve yet to have what I consider to be a long, meaningful, loving, caring relationship with a fellow bear, cub, otter, wolf or whatever. For those of you reading this and scratching your heads, let me say for the record – NO, I am NOT into bestiality. I am not into hot sex with animals (like so many brain-dead, ignorant, bible-thumping assholes would like to have society believe about the gay community). I’m talking about my furry male counterparts in the gay “bear” community. Where they are concerned, yes, I’m all about hot, passionate fornicating, fubbing, and buttsex.

It seems like for a long time (and my friends know this about me), I have been searching for that special someone who completes me. The person I wake up for each day. The person who makes me smile without even having to try. The someone who makes me feel significant, valued, appreciated, worthwhile, validated. I was reminded recently that all of those things must come from ME. Like Barbra Streisand says: we cannot look to someone else for our happiness. Because in the end, people are going to hurt us and let us down – even if it’s unintentional. I have to be the person I wake up for each day…I have to be the person that makes me smile…I myself dictate my significance, value, appreciation, worth and validity.

That’s not a mindset I’m used to adopting, but with each passing day, I’m learning to love myself more and more. My friends keep reminding me that until I truly love myself and appreciate myself, I can’t really expect someone else to. And I’m also learning that with increased appreciation for yourself and increased self-esteem, there is a confidence that others see and are attracted to. Now, mind you, there is a distinct difference between having confidence and being completely full of yourself. I like to think that potential suitors recognize those differences. I hope they do – because I have never been and will never be a full of myself type person. However, I would LOVE to be more confident – and each day is getting better and better.

Ironically, it almost seems like I’m going backwards – but in a good way. Let me explain. From about 2001 until roughly late 2005, I had a mess of self-confidence and I was out being a wonderful little gay tramp. It wasn’t that I was uninterested in a relationship during that time – I just wasn’t out looking for one. I was content to be a single man-slut. I spent a lot of time during those years in Toronto – gawd, I fuckin’ ADORE me some Canadian mens! I would go there three and four, sometimes five times each year and would scandalize the city (on behalf of all my gay bros in the U.S.). I’ve told you before, I’m a giver. I had more fun and enjoyed the freedom that came with being single. It was during those days I found myself with a plethora of hot guys and would often times enjoy hot man sex with multiple partners – what most in the gay community would still lovingly refer to as an orgy. The attention was incredible – and it just added to my level of confidence. But somewhere early into 2006, I began to lose that confidence, and it never really returned.

Over the past couple of years, I think I lost a part of myself…and it’s sad. I’m disappointed that I allowed myself to get sidetracked by looking for love – and not to sound cliché – but in all the wrong places and in the wrong people. So I decided today over Chinese food with my best buddy Jeffrey that the Rob I need to be and WANT to be is the same Rob who was carefree and content to be single just a couple of years ago. I need to find that place again where the confidence was high and the joy of being a vibrant, sexually active gay boy filled my life with happiness. I can’t go back in time…but I CAN again find that confidence and exuberance. I find myself no longer wanting to meet guys with the idea that we’ll have a few great dates and we’ll decide to live happily ever after. Is that what I ultimately want someday? Of course. Is that what I’m going to exhaust myself trying to find anymore? Hell no! Not anymore.

So what does that mean for me? It means fantasies realized. It means hot sex with whomever I want with no strings attached. It means finding myself and liking myself and being OK with who I am at the end of the day. It means attending more bear-related events. I need to do some research. I need to find out where and when the nearest bear convention is taking place in Michigan. It means more trips to Canada. Fuck – I need to find my old passport and get it renewed. In the meantime, luckily, they still accept a photo ID and birth certificate to cross the border by car. I realize all of this probably makes me sound like a whore. Well, I don’t pay or get paid for sex, so I am not a whore. A slut, yes. And being single gives me that right and privilege. And there is nothing wrong with that. I think I just needed to remind myself of that fact — it’s OK. And it’s ALL GOOD.

On being single…I’ve decided it fuckin’ rocks. For right now, it’s what is best for me. Three more semesters of college to complete my Bachelor’s degree and I will be on my way to bigger and better things elsewhere. As my friends have told me time and again – this is YOUR time, Rob. Embrace it. Own it. Enjoy it. Screw adversity. Be who you are – get out there and have FUN. Thanks for the advice…I’m going to!