My Life on the “G” List

Nothing really surprises me anymore. Just when I think people can’t get anymore ridiculous, I go into a place like Target. Last night my good friend Sarah called me and said, “Rob, I need to go shopping. What are you doing? Wanna come with me?” Of course I told her I’d go. She was gone all summer and I always enjoy spending time with her. So we hit the local mall, went to The Gap, Macy’s, grabbed some iced coffees and then went to Target. Sarah and I both love shopping there and it’s most definitely a step up from say, Wal-Mart. I detest Wal-Mart – and so does she.

The whole Target thing went really great last night until it came time to check out. All Sarah and I picked up there were movies. I specifically wanted to pick up the “Sex and the City” movie. So did she. Well then we made the mistake of going to the main movie section of the store and I found a deal too good to pass up. It was 3 movies for $9.44 packaged together…Dying Young, Hope Floats and Here On Earth. So we get up to the checkout and I put my movies on the counter.

The guy at the checkout looks them over…literally like he’s inspecting my purchase. He gets ready to put them in a bag and says, “hmmm, basically four chick flicks.” Oh no you didn’t!!?? I didn’t say anything at the time but I looked at Sarah and she looked at me with a look that said, “bitch please!” We walked out the door after she checked out and immediately I said to her, “he totally DID NOT just look at my movies and say they were four chick flicks!?!” “Um yeah, he did,” was Sarah’s response. What in gay fucking hell? Are you even kidding me right now? How dare he?!

OK – side note for all cashiers at Target and elsewhere: your job is to scan items and bag them. It is not to give a commentary on what you think about my purchases…understood? Good. Thankssssss. As we walked to the car, Sarah looked at me and said, “Rob, he’s middle-aged, fat, ugly and depressed.” She doesn’t mince words…one of the many reasons I love her. I said, “well, whatever. Maybe they are chick flicks, per se, but isn’t it MY business what I choose to watch?” We went to Barnes and Noble then and while Sarah was in the bathroom, the perfect retort came to me that I wish had come to me moments earlier at the Target checkout. What I should have said in response to the idiot was, “yeah well, I’m sensitive, I’m perfectly content in my masculinity and the fact that I’m gay is completely irrelevant…the fact that you’re an inconsiderate asshole is not!” We always think of the perfect retort after the fact, don’t we?

I would love to be able to come up with one liners and catch phrases at the drop of a hat. Alas, my mind doesn’t always work that way. But seriously, let me do my shopping in peace. I guess now I can understand why people don’t mind using the self-checkout lanes when they are available. Computers won’t comment on your purchases…they’ll just tally everything up and tell you what you owe. In any event, last night was truly a lot of fun and although it probably sounds like I was offended by what happened, I am totally just blowing smoke out my ass. It was not a big deal…just caught me off guard is all. Looking back on it now, I can laugh.

All in all, it was a fun night out with a good friend. And these days, I don’t get enough of those…